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Thread: Divorce

  1. #1
    Senior Member Ladyshucula's Avatar
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    Unhappy Divorce

    Yesterday, I sat down with a great friend to have a burrito on his lunch break. On this day, we weren’t just meeting to eat some chips and salsa and talk about sports; this conversation had a much more serious tone. My friend’s wife has requested a divorce and he wanted to talk to me about the best way to share the news with their young children. As we talked through the different scenarios and the reality of what was happening began to sink in, he broke down crying in the middle of the crowded restaurant.

    He wasn’t crying because of the financial devastation that was about to hit him as their income was shredded by divorce attorneys and he wasn’t crying about damaged pride as friends and family members learned of the failed marriage. He was crying because he realized that his family was forcefully being ripped apart and pain was going to be deep and potentially lifelong.

    He was picturing holidays that he would spend without his kids and family memories that would never be made. He was grieving the loss of stability and protection his children would now lose with a Mommy and a Daddy in two separate homes, and he was also grieving the loss of his wife. The woman he had pledged to love “til death do us part” would no longer be by his side and the dream of their life together had become another casualty of this divorce.



    I’ve seen far too many friends walk through similar circumstances, and here are a few things I’ve learned:

    1. The #1 Cause of Divorce is…Selfishness.

    I’m definitely not trying to condemn or judge people who leave a marriage because of dangerous or adulterous situations, but in our “No Fault Divorce” era, there are so many couples who call it quits out of pure selfishness. In these cases, one of the spouses starts fantasizing about how much better life would be if the other spouse was out of the picture and they start getting bad advice from single and divorce friends who help reinforce this mindset until they willingly throw away their marriage and family and trade it in for a fantasy that doesn’t exist.

    2. Nobody wins.

    The spouse who leaves usually plans an exit strategy where they’ll come out with everything they want, but it never happens that way. The only people who “win” in divorce are the attorneys! Your children will lose in ways bigger than you can imagine and both spouses will pay a heavy price financially and emotionally. Everyone involved will be hurt.

    3. It can be prevented.

    Be willing to do the things necessary to build a divorce-proof marriage.

    Author unknown----not written by me just posting

  2. #2
    Junior Member jesslane94's Avatar
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    I mostly agree with this. My parents are divorced, and sadly it is a result of time and a build up of conflict. It never really happens overnight. I feel like once problems come up, they need to be addressed because if they are left to linger... Nothing good ever happens! It's a terrible presence that festers until the marriage is destroyed. I'm sad because my parents divorce makes me wary about marriage, but I'm still open. :] Hopefully I don't make the same mistakes!

  3. #3
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    I am sorry about your friend and I really hope that there is still love that will hold these two partners together because deep down I feel like divorce can be avoided if both partners work at it.
    I am sure that all marriages have their ups and downs but at the end of the day both partners need to realize that they have each other and they have to think about the first day when they met and all those strong feelings they have for each other. I feel like divorce is a cowardly way out because one of the partners just refuses to get through the though times together and instead they just want to forget everything and move on.
    Therefore my advice to your friend would be sitting down with his wife and just talking about all the memories and trying to tell her how much he loves the family atmosphere and the children and to just have all those feelings rushing back that initially brought them together.
    If the wife truly doesn't care then your friend deserves a better partner (as sad as it may be to accept).

  4. #4
    Junior Member Oznola's Avatar
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    Yes I agree divorce is a result of time and build up. Sometimes people joined together by the legal system (laws of land or man made), but there is no covenant (Spiritually, Mentally, Physically). From experience, I was happy to be free from an abusive and unhealthy relationship. It was hell from the beginning, and I am so sorry that I allowed myself to enter into something that gave me bad nightmares and memories. Well we learn from experience, so we can make better decisions of who we select as I partner.

  5. #5
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    That is the ugliest part of western culture, quick dating, quick marriages and quick divorces and when the man and woman think of their life, nobody bothers about the children. For a child to grow into a gentleman, he need the father and mother in the house.
    Anyway, let your friend kick his wife and search for some good partner now very carefully. The hell with a selfish woman who has no thought for her own children.

  6. #6
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    While divorce is unfortunate, our current concepts about family structure are not nearly as old as other forms of adult relationships involving child rearing.

    With the Iroquois, marriage was by mutual consent, the husbands had little authority over their wives and moved into the wive's longhouses, once married. Any children born belonged to the wife's clan, not the husband's. Boys stayed with their mothers until married and elder women were in charge.

    Our current family structure might not be the healthiest, especially when children live with parents who cannot stand each other. Tension, verbal and/or emotional abuse often creep into these unhappy marriages with some of the abuse trickling down to the children. It may be better to divorce than to teach children that marriage is a power struggle.

    While the Western world features quick dating, quick marriage, and quick divorce there has been no effort to teach young people how to have long term relationships. No matter now long their parents stay married, they do not see how their parents negotiate their differences without either parent submitting. I have seen no high school classes teaching equality in the home.

    The speed with which Western relationships move is an artifact of technology and the mythology of marital bliss, not the cause of failed relationships. We are not taught to have healthy, egalitarian relationships.

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